You know those moments when you sob so uncontrollably that your mouth opens to form a scream, but nothing but a low moan or a gasp comes out……..
yeah, that’s been my week.
You know those moments when you sob so uncontrollably that your mouth opens to form a scream, but nothing but a low moan or a gasp comes out……..
yeah, that’s been my week.
Boy, have I forgotten all about tumblr.
I opened an account on blogspot and started posted crafts/ ideas and I just forgot I even had a tumblr account. I am not very good at blogging. However, I am enjoying blogspot a lot more than I had ever imagined I would. That being said….
I miss my friends. A LOT. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my family. But before we moved down here, our friends were our family. Now we are living in Palatka, FL, and everyone our age is off to college. The only people I associate with are looking for lotion and body wash OR they come to college rd for services. Most of these people are 40+. Not that I don’t love them to death. It would be nice to not to hear “Let’s hear the young perspective…. Stephanie?” That DRIVES ME NUTS. However, I do always answer with what I believe the young people would think, followed by what I personally think (whether it is the same or not).
So, why am I posting this? For one sentence. A line from I am Number Four (which was an OKAY movie, nothing great, nothing horrible)…..When talking with his love interest, the main character said this about moving around:
“The people make the place.”
I’ve been sick for the past few days, and with such sickness, comes whining. I am blessed to have a husband who doesn’t mind taking care of me, when I ask. But today, I finally got sick of myself being so helpless and useless. I am still not feeling well, but hopefully tomorrow will be different. Anyways, I’ll get to the point.
I ran across this word in the last couple days and it struck me, I guess because the world tries to shut out Christians and the Bible. This is a word in the dictionary, in society. It is influenced by a prophet of the Old Testament. It made me laugh. Then, I started thinking about it (perhaps too long, seeing as I’ve had quite a bit of time on my hands). I can interchange this word to say “Stephaniad” and it would probably mean the same thing. The last few days, I have complained a lot “Why me? Why now? I really can’t handle feeling this badly” and “Seriously? How long will this last?”….. but really I am thinking of my normal attitude. I “try” to be upbeat, but my whole life I’ve been worse than a pessimist, I’ve been a Jeremiah— “I’m the only one washing the glass, who cares if it’s full or empty.”
Since we moved here, this pessimism has exacerbated. I strain for an inkling of hope and comfort most days here. I miss so many things about home and ”The Bible Belt”, but I know that in the end, it will be worth it. I am learning right now, and I appreciate the better days so much more here than I did before we moved. God is testing me, but I know I am not completely failing, because I am still trying.
I love him. A lot. Words just don’t suffice. He is an angel, and yesterday he got me flowers for no reason. He got them in fall colors, because he knows Autumn is my favorite season. He is wonderful.
So, I’m sitting here in our new one bedroom apartment trying not to think about the sink full of dishes.There is no counter space to chop food on, or for more practical purposes- to leave drying dishes. The carpet smells funny, the toilet is cranky, and the closet space is minimal. I can think of a billion reasons why I HATE this apartment. But I can think of 3 very good reasons why I chose it, and why I know I will love it:
1. We need the money. Our beautiful 3 bedroom, 2 bath home had a spacious kitchen, and lots of room— but it cost WAY too much in rent. It was ridiculous. This apartment costs about half of what that did, and that’s including utilities except for electricity. While I can’t help but think I am crazy, I know that this is going to help us get closer to our goal of buying a home here. I loved our house, but we didn’t need all that space. We don’t have any children, yet. So, no need for 3 bedrooms.
2. We live right next door to the building. College Rd church of Christ is literally next door. We can see our front door from the building’s back door. It’s a 2 minute walk. We have a hard time being late to services. I like that the building is so close and that if we have to meet there, and we aren’t both ready, one of us can leave, and be on time while the other gets ready. It saves on gas as well. Rick doesn’t drive to work, he walks.
3. It has humbled me. Our house was so beautiful and I took pride in it. Not that it is a bad thing to have pride in your home, but I knew- perhaps a little too much, how nice it was. I loved having people over. Now, I don’t. Which is sad, but I think in time, it will help me to invest much less in a house, and more in a home. Because, no matter how corny it sounds, home is where the heart is.
Here lately it has taken me very little to be irritated….. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m tired? All I know is that I need to work on this. I really need to work on this. My prayer life has increased because of it, which is good, I think. I am not sure what exactly I am trying to say….. I think it is that I am impatient. I am an impatient, cranky, selfish human being. Everyone is fromt ime to time. These past 2 months I have been going through that phase again. It seems like everything is falling apart, and I really need some glue or tape to fix it. I am just burnt out. That’s the only nice way to put it. I keep reading this email, which is kind of centered around thanksgiving, but it is a great story….. I’m hoping it might help me pull myself out of this irritation, and hopefully improve my attitude.
Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a “minor” automobile accident stole her joy . This was
Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss. Troubles had multiplied.
Her husband’s company “threatened” to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What’s worse, Sandra ‘s friend suggested that Sandra ‘s grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. “She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder “Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?” she wondered.. “For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended me? For an airbag that saved my life, but took my child’s?”
“Good afternoon, can I help you?” Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. “I … I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra .
“For Thanksgiving? I’m convinced that flowers tell stories, ” she continued.. “Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this thanksgiving?” “Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.” Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.” Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer….
“Hi, Barbara, let me get your order.” She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly s nipped: there were no flowers.
“Do you want these in a box?” asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed..
“Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said, as she gently tapped her chest.
Sandra stammered, “Ah, that lady just left with … uh … she left with no flowers!”
“That’s right,” said the clerk. “I cut off the flowers. That’s the ‘Special’. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had
just lost her father; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk. “For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband,
no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.”
“So what did you do?” asked Sandra .
“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, ‘Why? Why me?!’ It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always en joyed the ‘flowers’ of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.”
Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.” Just then someone else walked in the shop. “Hey, Phil!” the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. “My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement . . twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator. “Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?”
“Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced,” Phil replied. “After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem, the Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems
to remind her of what she had learned from “thorny” times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific “problem” and give thanks for what that problem taught us.” As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra , “I highly recommend the Special!” “I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too . fresh.”
“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love….Don’t resent the thorns.”
Tears rolled down Sandra ‘s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. “I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out. “I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.” “Thank you. What do I owe you?” “Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart…The
first year’s arrangement is always on me.” The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra . “I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.”
It read: “My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked
You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach
me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show
me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me
that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more
brilliant.”
Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns.
So, I started this blog… what, like a month ago, and have never written anything else. I guess I have a lot to spill.. Here’s 10 things in 2010 so far.
10. School has been CRAZY. It seems like I am always doing homework- especially for statistics- no wonder I never write on here. It really does seem like it never stops. In high school it took forever for the school year to finish, it just dragged by. I am supposed to graduate with an Assoc. Arts degree this April, but I’ve been in school for 4 years now. It’s extremely frustrating, and when I talk about it I can’t keep myself from saying “It’s just so unfair”. Why is it unfair? I would have graduated this August with my BSW (Ba. Social Work Degree). BUT we moved to Palatka, and there is not even a satellite school within an hour’s drive with a SWK program. Now, i love living in Palatka, but this is such a setback. Anyways, I am going to proceed with a BA in psychology. I am sure God is going to use this for good in my life, I am just wondering how at least 3 more years of school is going to benefit me. Grr.
9. Teaching 3 Bible classes. I have been teaching 3 Bible classes the last 2 quarters. A Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night class. I am so busy with school and this that it makes it hard to get to the housework, but I think I have been doing a good job juggling it all.
8. Jamie is a senior in high school. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this freaks me out. My little sister is graduating? When did this happen? I remember when she started 1st grade. I remember teaching her cursive, and I remember playing dress up every Sunday at Granny and Granddad’s. When did she get so grown up? She is goign to FHU this fall. I really hope she loves it as much as I did. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t miss being there, and seeing all my friends.
7. Moving. We plan on moving. Soon. Hopefully it will work out. We are renting this home, and looking for a home to buy. I am really praying this works out for us. That’s really all I can say right now.
6. I am good at statistics! Wow, has this been a surprise to me. I have always been horrible at math (other than basic principles like addition, subtraction, multiplication, etc.). This semester I had to take statistics because it is the only thing I don’t have to get an Assoc. Arts degree. I was so scared. It isn’t easy, it’s a lot of work, but I am good at it! I only have one more test, and I have made a 94 and a 96 on the first two exams. I don’t know why this is so exciting, but it is!
5. Rick and I started up the PC (Positive Chrisitan)Press. “Are you a PC?” Ya know, like the commercials? It is just a new version of the youth publication at College Rd. It has been fun to work on, speaking of- I need to get April’s newsletter started today. *laughing nervously*
4. Lads to Leaders. Now this program has been around for quite some time. However, I never participated in it. This year, I assisted 3 girls making scrapbooks. It took us a very long time, and thye just finished last week. The convention starts a week from tomorrow. I can’t tell you how much time I poured into this project. I met once a week with each of the girls, and each session last anywhere from 1 to 5 hours. It was a rewarding experience, but WHEW am I glad to be finished with it.
3. I made my first fondant cake. It was so fun and I really enjoyed doing it. I made the fondant myself. It was so yummy. Just a little bit rich. Still, it turned out beautifully, and I just love love loved making it. I hope this is the start to something new, and repetitive.
2. Rick’s new haircut. It happened today. Rick has only had one hair style his whole life, and his mother has always cut it, but I cut it this time. It is completely different! I am lost for words. It’s just completely different.
1. Amber was diagnosed with cancer. Amber is my mother in law. In February she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. It has already spread to her lungs, liver, lymph nodes, and brain. This has been really tough on Rick, even though he won’t admit it. He got to go spend a week with her, and we have been down again- just 2 weeks ago. We stayed for one night. Hopefully, Rick can go see her again soon. The only thing left to say about this is pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.
So far it has been a very busy year, and we’re not even 4 months in. Wow, life just never slows down. I’m just not sure how I feel about that.
So, I actually got this idea from Bonnie. I have been having some things go on lately that have been frustrating, and I find myself randomly spilling it out at the most akward times. I am hoping that this will turn into an outlet for those frustrations. So whether anyone reads it or not, I am assuming it will be like therapy. Some days it may turn into a random thought, and some days I may be screaming. Who knows. Anyways, here goes.
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